Now I Run From You

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 03:51:46 GMT

It's been a while since I have updated this baby. I always have these akward and revealing moments about life. They are so random and I become completely emotional when they occur. I get this sense that I know all the secrets and truths of life. Like I finally figured it out. Then I just get confused. My head gets muddled in all these deep thoughts and I begin to think I am going insane. I sit back and think and I finally know why people do the things I would least expect them to do and then realize that I am not all that surprised after I find out. I start to think about people I have lost touch with and wonder if they think about me too. I always wonder about the future and say I wish i knew how it will be, but then I find that there wouldn't be anything exciting to live for each day. Moments like these I find myself thinking that no matter how things turn out something will work out, I will be happy in some way and there is a reason for this path I am taking. <3

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 09:09:50 GMT

Hmm... So yeah Suicide Club. Great movie. If you love to be scared and you like reality Tv watch this movie because the fuckin thing that will scare the hell out of you about this movie is that what goes on in it happens everyday and it's damn sad. It's so blunt because that's how life is. Its not a movie that tries to hide what really goes on. Yeah I laughed during it too. Why? you may ask. Well it's another one of the tricks media tries to play. They want you to think it's funny and anything but serious. They want you to find humor in it so you will forget about what actually goes on in society. They made it funny at times so they could set you in the same damn trap all those kids were in. It's not even about suicide. It's about power and the power of persuasion and everything that happened with Hitler and all other dictators that ever ruled and made a huge impact. Stuff they did that has always been a pattern that keeps repeating. The power in someones hands that allows them to kill you or make you kill yourself is jsut sad and it seems there won't be any end to this cycle anytime soon. Go rent it and love it.

Christmas, if it wasn't for the Nutcracker I'd be out.

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 08:44:50 GMT

I am back to a depressive state. I really want a change. Like college. I just wanna go now. Get away from everything. I am ready. Highschool is so immature and I have very little tolerance for many people these days. Yeah and Christmas sucks so far. I am not even religious and I still celebrate.It's kinda ridiculous and hypocritical. I still say "omy god" and what but, it's funny when I'm not even sure if there is god. I always get in deep conversations about religion with Emma and Katie and our beliefs about evolution and how humans came to be and other species out in space. It's weird and gives me a headache alot, but they are actually my favorite conversations. Call me a geek, a nerd, I'll admit I am. I also think I am going to start reading up on different aspects of certain religions just to see where other people come from and maybe make my own type of religion. Who knows.

:)

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 02:46:52 GMT

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star

And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem

And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed or even talked
And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup That made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 21:05:23 GMT

It's all because of the hate I have for myself. I don't hate you.

Life's a Big Bitch

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 05:24:21 GMT

So today wasn't too lovely. It wasn'y lovely at all actually. I tried not to cry all day long. I didn't. I just pretended I was yawning. Yeah. Then seeing someone convulsing right in front of my eyes made me sick to my stomach.I have never seen anything like it before. It mad me very sad; I was almost by then at the verge of tears. I jsut stood there in shock. It was terrible. Then I ended up doing nothing on a Friday night. Oh well. I have been thinking about college alot since the application process has begun. I am really starting to wonder if I can even do it. If I will even get in anywhere. I am really confused right now and the little things people do and the little things I do make me angry. I show it,yes. But I don't explain. I am just angry, irritated,dissapointed and depressed. That is all their is to it. Sometimes I just don't feel like I need to tell you and I don't feel I need to smile so I won't.And just because I don't smile doesn't mean I am mad you. So stop thinking that. There isn't an exact reason I feel this way, I can't pinpoint it, neither can you. Just let me be is all I can really say. I am not sorry if I seemed distant or mean. Everyone has their days. Some more than others. But that's life for ya. A big bitch. We just have to live through it and pretend it is all ok. We are all fake. I am. You are. So let's pretend. yay.
Jessica

Haven't updated in a while...

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 01:56:23 GMT

So all in all the week was fabulous. I only dressed up for two of the spirit days. My costume though was so last minute and I was proud of myself. I looked like I was part of the Mofia. Anywho... the dance performance was alright I guess. I messed up a little and I think we could have used more practice to be more sharp. The homeocoming game was not the best game I have ever seen, but it was fun. I mean we totally beat some Eagle ass. They didn't even score.It wasn't even a game. How lame. The dance was not as good as last year either. I think it's because everything is better when you are younger. However, I still had a smashing night. Then Sunday morning came along. There was a party at Nikki's house. It was fantastic and I decided to be from Great Britain and tell strangers I was Bethany. It was quite funny especially when the others began catching themselves speaking with an accent too. We also developed a new name for ourselves based on the tag of Miguel's underwear which said "CA" The name is "California Crunk Asses." Yes, I know very silly indeed. So I passed out on the couch for an hour until 7... I was pretty much up for 24 hours! Then I came home,started to take down my hair to take a shower when I noticed a strange object in my hair. It was half of Kaitlin's earring imbedded in my hair. Ha.Yeah can someone explain that one? It was a dazzling weekend.
There has been one thing that has been troubling be lately. I just don't know what to do about this situation and I don't want it to ruin my fun because when I think about all that happened it makes me terribly sad. It is really so hard to try to forget about things or people when they have made such big impacts in your life. And it hurts too much to be in the middle and not choose to either forget about it completely or return to how it was before and forgive.It is never black and white but rather gray. I just wish things weren't so hard. I think I am such a weak person sometimes... maybe all the time. I am just so unsure about everything and change makes me sad and I am afraid to loose the people and things that keep me happy. And I fear I think to much about the future and what I will become. It depresses me more than ever and then I find myself crying. It is just so hard to stop when I regret things that I think could have made my life alot esier if they would have never happened. I just don't know what to do.
These two songs hit home. "Save Yourself" and " Autumn's Monolouge"

<3 Jessica

Sat, 28 Aug 2004 02:59:39 GMT

Im so fucking angry at the moment. And i really hate life. I hate school and feel so dumb that i fuckin just want to quit. I hate the way I notcie things and don't try to stop them even though I know something bad will be a result of what i should stop. I hate myself and how it is really hard for me to be happy and even when I am it seems so fake. I cry for the dumbest reasons. I get annoyed easily but hate the way I hide it. I hate how I hate myself and everything I do. I hate how much jealousy I have. I hate how ugly. I hate how compliments make me more self-conscious and angry. I hate how i want to hurt myself right and am writing in this piece of shit. and I will hate you even more if you leave a comment. so dont.

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 04:45:04 GMT

oh yeah. edit: when I said dress code I meant iniforms*

Shove it Mrs. Mac!

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 04:42:00 GMT

So today was the first day of school. How was it? GAY! The first person I see when I walk up the stairs is Mrs. Mac. I specifically worked my schedule around her and didn't want to start my day seeing her. Well so does she say hi. No. She said " you need to go to the office." Ummm... I was like wth. "Your stomach is showing and you need to go change your shirt. Umm wtf! I just got out of the car and was fixing. I told her ok. But did I go? No! Why? First of all my shirt was fine, I was fixing it because it was stuck behind my back pack, and lastly I absolutely despise Mrs. Mac and I wasn't going to listen to what she had to say. So that pist me off. So then I was walking with Bree and she had to change her shirt. And then I see Asha and stupid Mrs. Mac told her she had to change her shirt too! Wth! I swear they are being ridiculous about this new dress code. Hello this is school not let's- be Nazi's-and- make-the- whole- frichen- school-wear-ugly- ass- P.E.-loaner-shirts. If they are going to put all their attention towards dress code then they should just inforce dress codes god damn it! Ugh! So that started off my day horribly. My classes are ok, but I think I need to get out of Psych. This year is going to suck.
-Jess

I haven't been up this early in a while

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 16:45:32 GMT

So I woke up today at 8. I did not wake by choice. My mother forgot to tell me that this was the morning we were going to get new windows. So I am really bored and decided to tell you this. Ummm... hopefully we will go to the beach soon. The past nights have been pretty uneventful. Emma has been coming over to keep me company! Thanka emmssss! And one night we had a slumber party at my house with myself, Katie, Kait and Emms! That was super fun! I hope to do it again... soon. I need to start school shopping, but I honestly don't really care. Well the window guy is doing my window right now. I don't think he knows I am in here cause he is cussing like a sailor. It's funny. Bye for now. Jess

Gay

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 01:04:17 GMT

So if you haven't already found out, I sprained my foot. Yeah not my ankle my foot. It just looks terrible and I have to use crutches. And now I am going to be sitting at home most likely til school starts. Ugh. Emma has been coming by to visit me. It makes me happy. And one night Asha came to visit. Then last night Emma, Katie, Kait, Ashley and Bree all came over. It was cool, but I wish I just had more energy and stuff. So yeah as soon as I walk I hope to at least be able to swim in the ocean. I am just really mad at myself and it's our last week before school which I am not looking forward to tremendously. Gah. Well that's all for now. Oh yeah Jenman has a crush on Kait! Hahahahah! - Jessica

The Pope is Dope

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 04:26:37 GMT

Anyway there was one very funny/sad incident that occured at the beach. It was pretty quiet on the beach and what not. Then all of a sudden we see a bum at the edge of the cliff at PB. He is threatening to push his shopping cart over the edge and looks like he is about to take his own life. He's creaming like no tomorrow then all of a sudden in a random outburst he yells " I SAW WHO SHOT THE POPE!" Oh man then he starts to laugh hysterically and sounds as if he is crying. Then some guy yells "RIGHT ON!"Oh man it was very funny yet also very sad. The man was obviously insane, yet I couldn't help but laugh.

Anyway Katie is back form Europe yay! And I just happened to be reading journals and it seems as though everyone watched secret window last night or this week. Well I did too, and honestly, I didn't really like it. Yeah. Oh well. And I keep seeing Emma! Woot! Crazy girl!

Shark Bait

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 05:31:56 GMT

Oh man. Alot to update on these past few days.
- garage sale in which I made jack due to posting signs at 2 a.m.
- Gay Pride Festival
- gay men dancing
- gay men getting yelled at by lesbians
- lesbian with only stickers covering her boobs
- gay men in leather chaps
- transvestites
- getting smiled at by a biker dyke... just lovely
- rude gay men
- gay guy holding my hand and calling me "honey"
- gay guy asking Kait if he could use some of her lipgloss
- My American Heart show
- seeing practically the whole school moshing
- seeing the cute boy at the show that I saw at the mall before... hehe
- going to the beach
- someone at the beach getting slashed in the head by their surfboard fin
- girl bleeding all over her foot from a sting ray
- swimming with a 3 foot shark... agh!
- smimming really fast away from the shark
- metting boys from out of town
- getting burnt

Hmmm... I think that is all. There is probably much more that I have forgotten .Tomorrow I am taking goggles to spy on those dang sharks.

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 02:32:42 GMT

Kristen as been at Kait's these days. It is always nice seeing her since she is far away and always moving. The pool with Kait and Kerd was mighty fine. Something that actually made me happy...

Right now I am feeling so many emotions and it is just making me head hurt. And then I get to thinking about the future and things I can do nothing about at this moment.I am trying to be optimistic, but once again I get to thinking and the only conclusion I seem to find is that me trying to be an optimistic person is being a fake me and then I just piss myself off more. It's like when people tell you to smile or be happy. Yeah you can pretend I suppose. But it is easier said than done.

Ok so enough of my crazy talk. I need to make senior picture appointments. Ugh. I keep hearing different date as to when we start school. Does anyone truly know when we start? Anyways I need to get out of this place. I love how I run away from my problems. It's not like me running will change anything... or will it. At least temporarily. Enough said. -Jess

P.S. I am not putting "<3 Jess" anymore. I feel it is unnecesary.

Beach

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 04:23:40 GMT

Beach... duh...

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 06:39:23 GMT

Well last night was a crazy adventure. Can I just say strip club and high speed driving away from pedafiles! Muahaha. Yeah so today Kait, kristen, Bree, Ashley and I all went to the beach. Then Andy and Joel met up with us. That is all I have to say... jk!

Well hmm I was just watching TV and this person announced that "little people like doing cartwheels." Oh man I was bustin' a crack up on that one. Oh geez. Yeah so Saturday I believe I will be heading to the Gay Pride Parade for my cultural activity for english. That should be fun.
<3 Jessica

HmMmM

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 04:42:08 GMT

Your Love Life by lpfloatsmyboat
Name/username/nickname:
favorite color:
best physical quaility:	face
best personality trait:	caring
will you marry your bf/gf that you have now?	no
when will you get married?	February 19, 2016
your kiss is:	polite
People date you because:	you're everything they want in a girl/guy

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 04:21:39 GMT

Last night was a big bummer... I will just leave it at that. And the beach today was a big bummer as well. It was all overcast and we stationed ourselves on the swimmer side. I hate it. Too many people obstructing my view and little kids kicking sand. Ugh. Yeah. So I saw a pink lexus on spinners on the way home and it made me smile. Things like that brighten my day. And the guy waved. Haha.

Yeah so I feel like a bad guy now cause I don't have $50 dollars to spend on going to Disneyland and now Kait isn't going because I can't. Ugh. Whatever. -Jess

I wish I was the brightest little firefly...

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 06:33:19 GMT

Tonight I cried.

Where is Waldo?

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 05:13:52 GMT

Today started off by going to the DMV. I had to get a replacement license because I lost my other one like a month after I got it. I am such a loser. Kait went with me because she got hers stolen. We are nerds. Then we were off to the beach! It was kinda cold, but the water seemed so warm. Anyway I really wanted to surf and me and Kait began to give up looking for my brother. The surfers all look the same. Anyway I decided we should walk just a little further! And yay! I saw my brother at the showers! I found Waldo! WoOt!We took the boards and surfed til sunset. It was lovely. Except when Kait hit her head on the tip of her board. I hope it gets better! I really need my own board now and a truck to put it in. Bah. So tomorrow is the show. Yay I am going to see my twin Jess, Asha, and Celine ( who I saw last night at Michael's!). I will update about the show tomorrow... until then bye for now. <3 Jessica

Retarded Velociraptor

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 02:43:34 GMT

Ok I went to Target with my mom today and I got the coolest underwear ever! Muahah! Cookie monster and Oscar the Grouch boy undies! They say on them "scram" and "yum-yum"!!!! In your face! Yeah yeah tight I know. And I got some with butterlfies on them! Lindsay! Mariposas! Hehe. Yeah on the way home I was flipping through the radio and my mom asked me what the person on the radio said. I am like oh that is Missy Elliot she is saying get your freak on! Haha so then my mom proceeds to dance in the car, and she did terribly and I told her she looked like a retarded velociraptor!!! How do you spell that word. Lmao!Silly.

Yeah so I just curled my hair for no reason. I got bored. And I don't have anything to do. Kait eats dinner at my house now. But I don't like the meat my mom is making and I only eat salad when I want so I am having rice for dinner. What the hell. Ha. So I told her that rice is for dinner. Bah! Beach tomorrow! Woot! I will never in my life get sick of that place. I wonder when I will see a shark. <3 Jessica

Muhahah!

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 20:23:17 GMT

J	Juicy
E	Extreme
S	Sweet
S	Shiny
I	Innocent
C	Crazy
A	Appreciative

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Yes I am Fine!

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 04:10:40 GMT

Nothing really new happened today because I went to the beach yet again. I actually went with my brother and mom. We haven't done that in a while. It was fun and the waves were generous. I got hit in the head by a body surfer and I kicked a body surfer in the face. Haha. I don't know how his face is, but it hurt my foot. Anyway, I got tangled in a wave and I was perfectly fine, but this guy kept asking me if I was alright and I thought it was nice that he was seeing if I was okay but it wasn't like I frickin hurt myself and he didn't have to ask me 3 times and just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't handle waves! Argg! What a butt munch!
Bye for now, <3 Jessica

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 05:24:55 GMT

I noticed that whenever I update I talk about the beach. Honestly that is all I do. Today Kait and I went to the beach and met up with Asha. We just surfed from 4 til 8 and watched the sunset. The sun looked like a big orange floating in the sea. Actually more like the peach in James and the Giant Peach. Anywho I don't know if I want to go to the movie right now. I am kinda tired. Gah. Oh well tomorrow I need to go get my license I lost like 2 months ago... then off to the beach I am guessing. I really hope I can go to the show on Friday. I forgot that my parents wanted to go to Mexico for the weekend, but it is boring with just the family.

I think soon Kait and I are going to go to the beach and stay til dark so we can go skinny dipping. Muahahaha! <3 Jessica